The Least Happy Child and the Perfect Sibling

From the desk of Trine Syverinsen, Educational Consultant

As educational consultants, usually there comes a time in our first meeting with a new family when we ask “do you have any other children?” And often this triggers an emotional response from the parents.

Sometimes an angry one: “He is really being a terror at home, and he does not seem to care at all that it is having a severe impact on his younger brother. The younger one really adores him, but he is just mean to him, and bullies him. It makes me angry and sad, and part of the reason we are here today is because we have come to a point where we have to make some changes at home to protect our youngest child from being exposed to this.”

Other times it makes parents voice some frustration. “His sister is a straight A student. She is accomplished, internally motivated, dedicated and caring. She really defends him in front of her friends, but we also see that she has started removing herself from him, because she says that he is just hanging out with losers.”

I once overheard Douglas Bodin remind a family in a meeting that parents are never happier than their least happy child. That is usually the child that we are working towards creating a plan for: the Least Happy Child. But the family situation is of course also affecting the Perfect Sibling.

Kids are different. Some kids need more help, love and support, and others are natural self-starters and go getters. Seeing the Perfect Sibling move forward with school and friends when he himself is spinning his wheels is very hard for the Least Happy Child. It can cause resentment, be used as an excuse for failure, or be fuel for emotional manipulation of the parents. “You never give my brother a hard time over things like this? He gets more privileges than I do! You are comparing my grades to my Perfect Sibling, and that is unfair. C+ is a good grade!”

In our work we always focus on the family as a system when we address the needs of the Least Happy Child. All the members of the family have different needs, and they play different roles in the family dynamics. Watching a successful sibling can be really hard on a non-successful child with low self-esteem. Finding a venue for them to have their own successes is very important – whether that is in an experiential treatment program, in a different academic setting or just in an after school activity. Also, the Perfect Sibling usually needs a break from being the caregiver, the defender, the object of shame and envy and the lightning rod for frustration and anger.

As parents we have a natural instinct to protect the weaker child, the Least Happy one. To give him more time, more help and sometimes more love. And then we turn around and beat ourselves up about the effect this choice has on our Perfect Child. Concerns for both children are valid reasons for seeking help. The choice to proceed with a residential treatment plan for one child is often a choice that is made in order to protect both children from negatively impacting each other, and hoping to achieve a healthy family dynamic again in the not too distant future.

Holiday Reminders of Success

From the Desk of Douglas Bodin, CEO of Bodin

Perhaps one of the nicest parts of the holidays is the outpouring of cards and letters from clients and schools.  Some of our client letters are from the current year while others are from clients we may have worked with decades ago.  We get pictures of weddings, new children, graduations, joyous family vacations.  The pictures are wonderful, but the words of gratitude and pride are phenomenal.  One young man we worked with several years ago has a new baby on the way and is in his fifth year in the military.  A young woman, who as a teenager lacked self-esteem and self confidence, walked down the aisle this year, proud and happy.  Another young woman, who had success in a therapeutic boarding school had fallen back a bit when she returned home, but is now back on her feet, holding a good job and attending Junior College quite successfully for the past year and a half.  The stories go on and on.  They not only bring joy and satisfaction, the stories and pictures help bring confidence to us and hope for the families that will turn to us in 2011 and beyond.  When young people are at risk, the Holidays bring an added level of stress, fear, sadness and guilt for the parents who have such high hopes for a peaceful and serene Season.  But with each letter and card and picture comes the reminder that tomorrow’s families will have those in the future with love, work, effort, sacrifice and determination.

We receive these reminders year-round, of course, but the outpouring  during the holidays is something for which I am quite grateful.

Like  a flash January is gone but may the rest of 2011 be a healthy, prosperous and peaceful year for us all.

Let’s just get through High School

 

 

 

 

From the desk of Trine Syverinsen-Educational Consultant

Jon came to live with his aunt at age 14. His mom had remarried, and Jon and her new husband were not getting along at all. In addition, Jon had started skipping school and hanging around with a group of friends that his mom and aunt did not think were the best influence.

So the solution became for Jon to move up to the Bay Area to finish high school. He did not seem very resistant. He was very close to his aunt, and got along well with her husband.

His aunt started lining up tutors and after-school activities. Jon somewhat grudgingly went along with her plans and his grades steadily picked up. Whenever his grades started to drop, he would lose privileges like his personal cell phone, or rides to his out-of-town girlfriend during the weekend. Again, he protested, but complied.

I saw his aunt several times during Jon’s high school path. Sometimes she was hopeful and happy and other times she was frustrated and tired. In addition to wanting him to stay on track academically, she also felt a need to indulge him, since, in many ways he had been “abandoned” by his mother.

Whenever I suggested getting some testing done to look into the possibility of a specific learning disability or an attention deficit, she sort of blew it off. In her mind the testing would not contribute anything she did not know. Jon benefited from a structured environment and from steady and consistent work habits. There was no way she was going to have him take medication, so at this point the testing would not provide any new information.

“Let’s just get through high school”, she said. That was what she had promised her sister. Jon needed to be prepared for college or to get a job.  After that, it would all get easier.

And now she is back in my office. Jon is 20. He graduated high school and signed up at the community college. She and her husband agreed to pay for his tuition and expenses so that he would not have to get a part-time job and instead could focus only on school. He had a car at his disposal and for a whole semester they hardly saw him. Even if he still lived with them, he would stay out for days at a time. She also found a bag of Marijuana in his car. Then his report card came back. His grades were terrible, failing several of his classes. In addition he “forgot” to sign up within the deadline for the next semester and therefore could only get into a few classes.

His aunt and her husband decided that it was time for some tough love. If you don’t go to school full time, we won’t pay. You need to get a job. After a while he got a job at the local Safeway. For a few weeks he was looking more energetic and happier. He would still stay out late with friends though and after only two weeks he got fired for showing up late for the third day in a row. And now he is back to sleeping late and staying out all night.

She is in my office looking for options. She thought that it would all get easier after they got through high school, but instead she finds herself feeling more frustrated and helpless than ever before. “And I won’t kick him out,” she says. “I just won’t. He has had so many people abandon him in his life, and I want him to know that he will always have a place here. We are family!”

Many families find that their young adults, who should be getting ready to launch into independent lives, are unable to do so. Almost all of them started experiencing problems with school attendance and performance, drug use or behavior at home while they were still in high school, but the parents figured that if they could just put enough of a system in place to help the student through high school it would all work itself out afterwards. They would be adults and would for some reason suddenly start showing more insight and taking more responsibility. Very often this is not the case, and here at Bodin we help an increasing number of young adults and their families in their quest for successful independent living and school/work consistency.

Teen angst or Clinical Depression?

From the desk of Hillary French, Educational Consultant

I remember meeting John (name changed for confidentiality purposes) almost 1 year ago in my office. He had his sweatshirt hood well covering not only his head, but most of his face. I couldn’t see his eyes at all, it’s as if he just wanted to make himself disappear. He sat still, not looking up at me, refusing to give me any sort of eye contact. His parents called me 2 days earlier, to tell me John was in “crisis”. For each family, crisis means something different, but for John, it was serious drug abuse and suicidal gestures. But it goes well-beyond that….

I knew John’s story. I had worked with his family before, with his older brother, 4 years ago. I knew the depth of John’s trauma. I knew the horrible details. I knew the pain he had experienced….for years, time and time again. In my office, the weight of John’s despair was thick in the air He sat quietly, without saying a word. I lowered my head, trying to make eye-contact with him, put one hand on his shoulder and took a risk, and said “John I know what you have gone through, I know how much pain you have experienced. I know what happened.” That was the only time he looked up at me. I saw both relief and desperation. It was almost as if he was saying, “save me” without uttering a word. I also believe the relief came from not having to tell me his horrifying past or explain to me why he was so self-destructive, or why he had no hope. I told him I was going to help him, to trust me. His hug to me at the end of the meeting showed me he was willing to do just that.

Within a day he was admitted to a very clinically-savvy wilderness program, specifically working with the therapist I thought would be the most-skilled in helping this young man. It was a bumpy start. Every week, his therapist, parents and I would speak on the phone about John and the work he was doing. It was difficult and painful work, and most anybody, especially a teenager, would not want to revisit. Yet, every week I observed John’s openness to talking about his sufferings, his unhealthy ways of coping, and being open and honest with his parents. These steps were astronomical for John, as he had masked and hid deeply, his pain for many years. After about 5 weeks, I saw John out in the field, as I was visiting another student in the same group who I had yet to meet back in the office. John had no idea I would be in the field that day. I walked up to where he was, cooking by the fire and he looked up and took a double take. He was excited to see me and share how he had been working so hard. We only had a brief time together, but I saw hope in his eyes and I was certain I had made the appropriate recommendation for him. I told him we would be talking soon, since he knew he was going to after care, I wanted him to have the opportunity to tell me some of his “wants” in a school. Of course clinical and academic needs come first, but I like my students to have a voice in their next step. A few weeks later we were able to speak on the phone while on a parent-therapist conference call. He told me his “wants” but also said he trusted me, that he knew I would find the right school for him, even if it wasn’t everything he desired. About 3 weeks later, he was able to transition to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC), after a very powerful Transition Group time with his parents. His parents and I spoke about how intense this therapeutic experience was for them and having two days with John allowed them to really bond again.

I have been in contact with John’s therapist bimonthly, getting updates on his progress. I also speak to his parents 1 or 2 times a month. The path has continued to be in the right direction for John, though he experienced quite a few challenges in the first few months at his RTC. I didn’t expect less from John. He was no longer a sad boy; but anger, resentment, and frustration were boiling up. He had been so numbed out for years, he was finally experiencing his true emotions, a good sign! A few months have passed and John has consistently been doing well. His trauma, though never completely resolved, no longer identifies him. The nightmares are no longer present. He is active and open in individual, family and group therapy. He thrives in school.

Two weekends ago, on a home visit, I was able to meet him for coffee. He met me with a strong hug and amazing eye contact. I got to see this bright smiley boy, a face that I had not seen a year ago. He was so excited and open to telling me his story! It was as if he couldn’t wait to tell me all the amazing accomplishments he had made, who he had become and how he healed so tremendously. It was a moment I won’t ever forget. And, he truly is a different young man. What John displayed most clearly was that he was both extremely hopeful and proud! Essentially, he was no longer a boy desperately trying to manage his “demons” with self-destruction, but a young man who is confronting his struggles and embracing his own self-worth. He no longer lived in the wake of his trauma, but is embracing his identity separate from that past and living for his future. As we said goodbye, his last words were “thank you.”

Now, of course I don’t need a thank you, but it is always a pleasure to here from a student! It is seeing this scarred and scared boy transform into a happy, thriving young man, in a year’s time, that makes me love what I do. I am thankful…. thankful we can help these teens and families, that there are wonderful programs out there that can help, and that our students can and do heal. So John, his family, and all the people who have cared for him, Thank you!

Governor Schwarzenegger Vetoes AB 3632

On October 8, 2010, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed the $133 million dollars that was supposed to reimburse county mental health facilities for providing services to special needs children. Here are two links to stories describing the effects of this veto:

http://www.free-press-release.com/news-ab-3632-or-2726-children-s-mental-health-services-cut-due-to-veto-1287115761.html

http://www.specialeducationadvisor.com/governor-suspends-ab-3632-mental-health-services-for-children/

Yes I agree, you suck as Parents

 

Let’s start with this premise: You suck as Parents. Now that is something we can all agree upon isn’t it? Most of us have kids, all of us reading this blog I imagine. We’ve all made mistakes along the way: too much or too little of discipline, love, attention, hand holding, nagging, blaming, giving independence, trusting, “helping them understand.”  You name it and we either have or haven’t done enough of it or we’ve done too much. Helicopter parents, absent parents, co dependent parents, latch key kids. OMG!  We are bad at this aren’t we? And yet most of the time, most of the kids turn out ok, somehow.

In my profession, our team is often dealing with kids who have gone off the rails. Can you imagine how guilty those parents may feel? By comparison, they make the rest of you look like you have never made a parenting mistake. The regrets they have, the parenting skills they lack, it goes on and on. Believe me though, for the most part, their parenting skills match up pretty well with the rest of ours.

So I tell these parents, let’s just agree, you suck as parents, with a few caveats. You didn’t teach Johnny (not his real name) to lie, do drugs, steal, get polluted, manipulate and otherwise go down the path that brought them to my office in the first place. Of course things have to change and the way you approach your child in the future will by necessity have to be different than in the past. But then who wouldn’t mind a little restart in the relationship with your adolescent or young adult?

Let me tell you when it started. When Johnny was young, I mean very young, do you remember capitulating on an issue that wasn’t worth it to you to fight about?  Or rationalizing behaviors that were clearly unacceptable?  Or setting up a consequence and not following through on it?  Virtually all parents can remember in their busy lives taking the easy way out, avoiding confrontation, just too tired to fight.  That is normal parenting behavior.  And for the most part, it does no real damage. But for some,   being off course by just 2% at age 5 results in going in the complete wrong direction at age 16.

So yes we suck as parents. But the bottom line is we taught, or tried to teach our kids to be fine, worthy, upstanding, ethical and moral beings. If some of them refused to listen, it’s still our responsibility but blaming yourself isn’t the answer.  In fact, part of the reason I stipulate up front that we parents all make mistakes is that often too much self-recrimination on the parents can serve to absolve Johnnie (again, not his real name) of having to take responsibility for his actions.  And Johnnie (last time, not his real name) learns to intuit and exploit parents sense of guilt over past dealings.  So what we’re left with, often, is the “Frog in the boiling Water Syndrome”  Stay tuned for more on that in a future post.

Parenting – A Guilty Pleasure

From the desk of Trine Syverinsen-Consultant

Returning to educational consulting after having stayed home and had 2 kids in 3 years has been interesting. Things have changed the last 3 years. Globally, we have experienced a recession. Many parents struggle more to make difficult emotional decisions for their kids.  These decisions  are also becoming financially more challenging. The industry is still evolving – but it has also seen some changes because of the downshift in the economy.

For me, the most striking difference is that my perspective has changed, now that I am a parent of two young girls. It has not changed what I believe in professionally. I still think the conversations I have with parents who are seeking advice for their struggling teens and young adults are similar in nature, but I understand their reasoning, fears and hesitations on a more personal level now.

We see a lot of sadness and grief in our work in times of crisis, but I want to pay attention to another feeling, which is sometimes the most prominent in my life after having children. “Ah, it’s love, you say”. Nope, there is plenty of love, but there is even more guilt!

Guilt of doing too much, of indulging too much, or of doing too little. Too much TV, too many play dates, too much sugar, too few vegetables, not enough cuddles.

Take a step back, take a breath – and release!

The slight pinch of guilt, at least to me, is always there. And it always will be. I called my mom to complain about this feature of parenting that she had left me unprepared for, and she, of course, apologized.  She tried to comfort me, but also told me that it is a chronic condition, as proven by the conversation we were having right then. She felt guilty that she had not talked to me about this.

So, since then, I am trying to ignore it as much as I can. I think that our guilt can sometimes both paralyze us and compromise our parenting. It is important to stop beating yourself up over the small battles you choose not to fight every day. And at the same time, it is also important to not let the guilt compromise how we want to parent. Parenting is more than sum of the times we spend with our kids. It is also the job of doing our best to make our kids into happy, healthy and responsible adults.

It helps me, and my clients I think, to keep reminding ourselves to not primarily use a child’s emotional response as a gauge of how well I am parenting, but rather how my actions are helping prepare for challenges down the road. And it pushes the guilt back a little every time my long-term strategies result in some immediate successes for my children. And I know that when my clients make difficult choices on behalf of their children, it helps to know that this is their job as parents! Not to make their kids feel safe and comfortable always, but to let them put their difficult decisions in our laps from time to time. For us to feel guilty about.

Trine Syverinson

The “taking action” Phenomenon

Have you ever had your car make a funny noise and as soon as you bring it in the shop the car stops making the noise?  Frustrating, isn’t it?  I’ve been an Educational  Consultant since 1993 and have experienced this same phenomenon with parents but rather than frustrating, it led to a positive result.

Just last week this very thing happened, prompting this post.  A mom was at her wit’s end with her 15 year old.  He had superior intelligence but was not interested in school, getting very low grades, his hygiene was poor, computer gaming occupied way too much of his time and there was stealing and general recalcitrance to the extreme, even for a teenager.   We set up an appointment and started working on a home plan as well as a “Plan B”.  This very process gave her immediate relief.  The knowledge that there was a “Plan B” she could fall back on changed her whole outlook on the situation. She stopped being a nagging, yelling mom, calmed down and started observing his behavior with more objectivity.  Without her saying anything, he felt this change and started to be more engaged at school, do his homework and generally started behaving in a more productive manner.  She was surprised and pleased that things were improving without really any fundamental change in the family system, or addition of therapy or other actions that could have been implemented.  Will it last?  We don’t know; but we do know that if it doesn’t, she can address the issue with some equanimity and control instead of distress and chaos.  There will always be emotional upset. of course, it’s her child, but once she feels in some control of the situation, it is much easier to act.

Since we specialize in helping families with troubled teens and young adults, and often are dealing with the most difficult and complicated cases, we get calls from parents seeking our help every day.  Clearly this positive result does not always happen so early in the process. However, every so often we talk to a parent about our services and their range of options and the serenity that ensues can lead to the type of relief as in the real life example above.

An interesting phenomenon.

30 Year Memoir to read in 30 seconds: 1979-2009 by Miriam Bodin

In the spirit of being thankful, I wanted to post a recent article that Miriam Bodin wrote in preparation for our 30th celebration. Read and enjoy.  We at Bodin wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving!

When I decided to open a practice in educational consulting back in 1979, there were very few people doing this work.  In fact “the work” back then consisted of helping families and students to find the “right fit” for prep school, day school, or college.  I was such a consultant until I began to visit and learn about the emerging world of “special needs” schools and programs.   I learned how limiting it was to just provide names of schools and programs to families and the reassurance that someone had investigated those schools and programs.

These families needed more education about the world of residential schools, in-depth guidance, strategic planning and collaboration on an ongoing basis if their child was to be sent from home to residential treatment.   Put another way, the families with the most complicated, troubling, at-risk children really needed sophisticated help, not just “a list.”

Thus, when Douglas Bodin joined me in 1991, a veritable sea change took place and we began our journey of growing our team of professionals who already had education, training and experience in the fields in which we were increasingly immersed.

We grew our company with the primary focus of serving families who needed our help to develop a plan to assist their youngsters.   We stopped being placement consultants and shifted to being members of a professional team that often consisted of the parents, the child and the professionals already working with the family.  If the child was then “placed,” professionals serving the child (and parents) in the special school or treatment program were added to the team.   Our mission statement says it all:
To provide the most valuable and comprehensive assessment and planning services for the educational and therapeutic needs of children, young adults and their families.

What has this journey meant to me?   I am grateful for whatever passion and spirit of adventure prompted me to embark on this career path.   It has provided me with:  1) opportunities to interact with parents (often heroic in their efforts to help their kids); 2) connection and interaction with fantastically humane, intelligent, and creative professionals both in the local community and in treatment centers and schools all over the country; 3) the establishment of a team here at Bodin of wonderful hard working and committed professionals who genuinely care about their work and their families; and 4) a chance to observe my own son devote himself to helping others.

At the risk of sounding sappy, but within the 30 seconds:   No one could be luckier than I. I come to work every day knowing that I have the chance to help someone or someone’s kid have a better chance.   Is there anything sweeter than this to say about one’s life?

About my recent post…

My post regarding the temporary closure of a therapuetic boarding school is in no way intended to align with either the school or the state of Oregon.  It’s simply information.  If you are searching on the web, looking for answers for your troubled teen and are looking for guidance, you may be be interested in calling an Educational Consultant.  The call is free!   Check us out @ www.thebodingroup.com or call 800-874-2124