On October 8, 2010, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed the $133 million dollars that was supposed to reimburse county mental health facilities for providing services to special needs children. Here are two links to stories describing the effects of this veto:
Yes I agree, you suck as Parents
Let’s start with this premise: You suck as Parents. Now that is something we can all agree upon isn’t it? Most of us have kids, all of us reading this blog I imagine. We’ve all made mistakes along the way: too much or too little of discipline, love, attention, hand holding, nagging, blaming, giving independence, trusting, “helping them understand.” You name it and we either have or haven’t done enough of it or we’ve done too much. Helicopter parents, absent parents, co dependent parents, latch key kids. OMG! We are bad at this aren’t we? And yet most of the time, most of the kids turn out ok, somehow.
In my profession, our team is often dealing with kids who have gone off the rails. Can you imagine how guilty those parents may feel? By comparison, they make the rest of you look like you have never made a parenting mistake. The regrets they have, the parenting skills they lack, it goes on and on. Believe me though, for the most part, their parenting skills match up pretty well with the rest of ours.
So I tell these parents, let’s just agree, you suck as parents, with a few caveats. You didn’t teach Johnny (not his real name) to lie, do drugs, steal, get polluted, manipulate and otherwise go down the path that brought them to my office in the first place. Of course things have to change and the way you approach your child in the future will by necessity have to be different than in the past. But then who wouldn’t mind a little restart in the relationship with your adolescent or young adult?
Let me tell you when it started. When Johnny was young, I mean very young, do you remember capitulating on an issue that wasn’t worth it to you to fight about? Or rationalizing behaviors that were clearly unacceptable? Or setting up a consequence and not following through on it? Virtually all parents can remember in their busy lives taking the easy way out, avoiding confrontation, just too tired to fight. That is normal parenting behavior. And for the most part, it does no real damage. But for some, being off course by just 2% at age 5 results in going in the complete wrong direction at age 16.
So yes we suck as parents. But the bottom line is we taught, or tried to teach our kids to be fine, worthy, upstanding, ethical and moral beings. If some of them refused to listen, it’s still our responsibility but blaming yourself isn’t the answer. In fact, part of the reason I stipulate up front that we parents all make mistakes is that often too much self-recrimination on the parents can serve to absolve Johnnie (again, not his real name) of having to take responsibility for his actions. And Johnnie (last time, not his real name) learns to intuit and exploit parents sense of guilt over past dealings. So what we’re left with, often, is the “Frog in the boiling Water Syndrome” Stay tuned for more on that in a future post.
The “taking action” Phenomenon
Have you ever had your car make a funny noise and as soon as you bring it in the shop the car stops making the noise? Frustrating, isn’t it? I’ve been an Educational Consultant since 1993 and have experienced this same phenomenon with parents but rather than frustrating, it led to a positive result.
Just last week this very thing happened, prompting this post. A mom was at her wit’s end with her 15 year old. He had superior intelligence but was not interested in school, getting very low grades, his hygiene was poor, computer gaming occupied way too much of his time and there was stealing and general recalcitrance to the extreme, even for a teenager. We set up an appointment and started working on a home plan as well as a “Plan B”. This very process gave her immediate relief. The knowledge that there was a “Plan B” she could fall back on changed her whole outlook on the situation. She stopped being a nagging, yelling mom, calmed down and started observing his behavior with more objectivity. Without her saying anything, he felt this change and started to be more engaged at school, do his homework and generally started behaving in a more productive manner. She was surprised and pleased that things were improving without really any fundamental change in the family system, or addition of therapy or other actions that could have been implemented. Will it last? We don’t know; but we do know that if it doesn’t, she can address the issue with some equanimity and control instead of distress and chaos. There will always be emotional upset. of course, it’s her child, but once she feels in some control of the situation, it is much easier to act.
Since we specialize in helping families with troubled teens and young adults, and often are dealing with the most difficult and complicated cases, we get calls from parents seeking our help every day. Clearly this positive result does not always happen so early in the process. However, every so often we talk to a parent about our services and their range of options and the serenity that ensues can lead to the type of relief as in the real life example above.
An interesting phenomenon.
Help for troubled and struggling teens
Exploring residential treatment options can be very overwhelming for parents. At Bodin, we believe it is essential to educate families about appropriate treatment options, both local and residential, that exist for their children. With this information families have the knowledge to seek support from educational consultants as well as other professionals in their community.
Over the next several days I will write about options on the residential continuum, come back and check it or call and Educational Consultant at Bodin today. 800-874-2124 www.thebodingroup.com
Options for Troubled Teens
If you are looking for guidance or are considering boarding school or residential treatment for your child, adolescent or young adult, you may consider hiring an Educational Consultant. The Educational Consultants at Bodin travel throughout the country evaluating schools and programs to assist families in developing successful placement plans. An Educational Consultant will assist in evaluating what a student needs to best support them emotionally and academically to ensure a successful experience for the student and family. To learn more about the Educational Consultants at Bodin visit www.thebodingroup.com or call 800-874-2124.
Help for Young Adults, too!
Across the country, thousands of teens will graduate High School this month. It’s an exciting time for kids and parents alike. Many will be leaving home in a few months with the expectation of a few visits home over breaks and the summers.
Sadly, many of these students will find that once they get to college, things are not what they expected. They may have higher levels of anxiety and depression or succumb to the ever present party atmosphere that exists on almost all college campuses. They may “fail”. If this happens both student and parent may feel disappointed, sad and even angry.
There is hope. The Educational Consultants at Bodin can provide solid educational and treatment planning for young adults who are not thriving. Many parents may think that they cannot get help because the child is over 18 but our consultants can help families with strategies and boundary setting to enable appropriate change.
Alcohol is a drug…
As a parent and a professional, I am constantly amazed at the attitude of indifference about young people and alcohol. In spite of the fact that it’s illegal and it is the cause of more deaths than all other drugs combined, both parents and teens seem to accept it’s use as a normal “right of passage”! I was amazed to find that I was alone in expecting that my teenage daughter would NOT drink before, during or after prom. Graduation is just a few weeks away and I stand by my position with my graduate…I will not allow alcohol or other drugs to be consumed with my knowledge and if she chooses to do so there will be appropriate consequences.
I also realize that many parents have struggling teens and are themselves struggling to assist their children navigate the difficulties that young people are faced with. By not seeking help, parents are raising the bar of tolerance in the home and at the same time increasing the isolative existence within their home!
An Educational Consultant can help families with concerns and families in crisis. The Educational Consultants at Bodin are trained clinicians ready to develop solid plans for success for students and familes.
If you have concerns about your troubled teen check out www.thebodingroup.com
I can learn everything about the right school or program on the internet…
Good luck!
Seriously, what you will learn on the internet is what the marketing and advertising firms hired by the schools want you to learn. Can you really differentiate one from another by reading their glossy internet/brochure? Does the internet tell you what type of student actually is at the school when your child is going to attend? Is your student soft and innocent and despite the glossy pictures you are sending your child to a school that is over run by tough kids? That probably won’t do him much good and unfortunately could do him/her harm. The internet is great when you know what you are looking for. When we send you to look at a school site it will be because we know the school and we know your child and we know it is a good fit. There isn’t a week that goes by that we don’t have a family that tried to use the internet and is now more confused than ever.
Is you child defiant, running away or using drugs and alcohol?
With so many families struggling to find help for their struggling teens and so many different opinions and options, Bodin’s number one goal is to assist families in developing plans that work! Our Educational Consultants can help today.
Check out www.thebodingroup.com or call 800-874-2124.
I just need to know what boarding school or program is good; can’t I just pay for a list of good ones and choose myself?
Ok. Suppose I gave you a list of good boarding schools or residential programs How would that help? You can probably get that right now for free on the internet. Now what? Suppose you call a boarding school or a treatment program and describe your child. The schools says “yes, your child would do well here.” You are about to spend 30-100k on a placement and you are relying on the person who will receive those sums to tell you if it is the right fit? Educational Consultants, the good ones, are fiercely independent. We take no money from schools or programs, so our 100% goal is to advocate for you and your child. Our job is to understand you, your child and the environment that will lead to success. There is so much more to it than just “getting a list of good boarding schools or programs.” That is what you pay us for and frankly we’re worth it.
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